News in Brief

By David Yorkshire:

NewsEvents in the Middle East have taken a turn for the worse recently with the news that two of the letters have been stolen from the terrorist group ISIS. Expert linguist Glibert Smugden called it “a disaster for convenient acronyms.” He added, “The loss of its coincidental nomenclature as having formerly been aligned with that of an Egyptian déesse is a blow for news reporters, governments and feminists everywhere.”

British premier Cameron Blackman called it “a tragedy for democracy” and said it showed “the need for an urgent nuclear attack on Syria. I am devastated at the news I will now have to say IS in every news conference. It just does not trip off the tongue.”

Blackman was, however, interrupted by the visiting American leader O’Barry Coleman: “What you talkin’ about Willis? Dat be da ISIL yous talkin’ about?” Blackman duly apologised for his mistake.

They were both unanimous as to who was behind all these linguistic shenanigans however: none other than international terrorist Vladimir Pute. Pute, known also as Vlad the Impaler because of his penchant for skewering his enemies and putting them on public display, has now been responsible for several wars, acts of gross intolerance, homophobia, the AIDS and Ebola epidemics and stealing the dreams from small children.

Pute was once pictured in a homoerotic pose, shirtless on horseback, proving his own repressed homosexuality. Not that we think homosexuality is a bad thing. Quite the opposite. In fact, it’s better than heterosexuality. Except when we’re making fun of Vladimir Pute. In any case, we all remember him as the loser of that epic fight with Rocky Balboa after killing Balboa’s black best friend.

In response to Pute’s increased terroristic intolerance, ministers applauded yesterday as Cameron Blackman confirmed that she is to undergo a sex-change operation. ‘Margaret Thatcher has always been an inspiration to me,’ she said. She felt that there was no need for a name change, as she had been fortunate enough to have been given a gender neutral name.

Milliput 2The leader of the opposition, Israel Millipede, was not impressed, however. “Thith ith jutht a thtunt to thneak awound the new quotas for women,” he salivated. He pointed to the fact that Blackman had, only the year before, changed his surname from Davids to sound more ethnic.

Millipede was met with cries of “Fascist!” from various corners, before the Speaker of the House, Soloman Bercowitz, reminded everyone of Millipede’s ethnicity. All Gentile members in attendance were then made to apologise for the Holocaust. Millipede then spoke of the need to combat Islamic State in Arabia. The house was unanimous in sanctioning strikes against ISA.

In unrelated news this morning, a bank in Rotherham was the scene of a siege when anti-terrorist police and local officers arrested several clerks for recommending ISAs to customers. Leaflets about ISAs were seized and the clerks have since been charged with distributing material liable to cause racial or religious hatred.

The manager, Mehmet Muhammad, was released without charge after being found naked in the vault, having been held hostage by the fifteen-year-old work experience girl who cannot be named for legal reasons. Muhammad told police how she had attempted to force him to take drugs and alcohol, which were forbidden in his religion. He had also been racially abused.

The girl, who was also found naked and, according to police witnesses, “faking tears,” has been charged with possession of banned substances with intent to supply, kidnap, sexual abuse, racial hate crimes and prostitution. Her danger to the public means she has been refused bail and contact with the outside world.

By David Yorkshire © 2014

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3 thoughts on “News in Brief

  1. I think it became IS because they couldn’t come to an agreement about whether ISIS or ISIL was the correct abbreviation.
    They might declare war on IKEA next, all that aggressive chucking out the chintz & the fact that Ivar Kamprad was in the Hitler Youth.

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